Dane Cook Funny Quotations

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.