Jerry Lewis Quotations

I never got a formal education. So my intellect is my common sense. I don't have anything else going for me. And my common sense opens the door to instinct.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

Postwar America was a very buttoned-up nation. Radio shows were run by censors, Presidents wore hats, ladies wore girdles. We came straight out of the blue - nobody was expecting anything like Martin and Lewis. A sexy guy and a monkey is how some people saw us.

It'll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the world, the public.

From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

This is the pain pacemaker. I've got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It's tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?

I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.

Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!

If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is - it's hitting 70 million Americans.

I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.

We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth ... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place.

Gambling is part of the human condition. I love it. I have the best time gambling. I've been winning fortunes, and I've been losing them.

When I hit around 65, 66, I started to feel tremendous worth and incredible personal esteem. I was becoming very cognisant of my contribution to the American spirit of helping your fellow man and all of the good stuff.

I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.

Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.

People think I'm against critics because they are negative to my work. That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is they didn't see the work. I have seen critics print stuff about stuff I cut out of the film before we ran it. So don't tell me about critics.

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.

I think the cartoons that they're children are watching, particularly 'The Simpsons,' they're OK. I think that the adult audience is making much too much of the danger that they imply. That's not the case. The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television.

When I would be myself, I was being big-headed. I was being egotistical. I was a megalomaniac, when it really was just having not to be a monkey for a few hours a day. And fulfilling the need to be a man.

I tell young comics, 'Do you want this badly enough? It's there. But you have to go get it. And if you think I'm going to give you the key to the lock of that door, there is no key, there is no lock, and there is no door.'

I've had the greatest respect for my work in this country by Americans. Critics have no brains.

A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

A lot of people resent that I've been in someone's life for 50 years. Why shouldn't people have an affection for me and what I've done? Didn't I have to be genuine for them to buy into what I did? There are children who grow up today who will not have that when they're 55 years old. With whom will they have it? Name an example for me.

The young man who's had the Guggenheim fortune behind him all his life - he can hire all the authorities on the subject to teach him how to do a monologue, but he's never going to have the right stuff to pull it off. If he doesn't walk out onstage needing to walk out there, he doesn't have a dream of doing well.

When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.

If you're an old pro, you know how well you're doing when you're doing it, and your inner government spanks you if you're not doing well.

I really am opinionated, but not for long. I have found myself coming off of what I think of something because the guy I'm talking to makes better sense than I am. I have so many points of view, I can't keep track of 'em, because I talk to too many people... I'm not so opinionated that I won't budge.

Don't you understand how dramatic it is to be a comic? To be a fool, to get people to laugh at this show-off? Milton Berle could take Laurence Olivier and stick him under the table if he wanted to. And so could I.

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

My door is always open to any member who wishes to build consensus on reducing unnecessary spending. My preference is to consider any proposal in a thoughtful, deliberate manner rather than reading about it in the newspaper.

For reasons unknown to us, he started firing indiscriminately -- first at two individuals who happened to be in the bathroom and then at all students and staff who passed by the outside of that bathroom door.

For the work I've done, I've been accused of being so selfless, but I have to correct that: I'm probably the most selfish man you'll ever meet in life, because no one gets the satisfaction or joy that I get in seeing kids realize there is hope.

I wrote the first page the day my partner died, ... I had to get some stuff down. I was really trying to handle the grief.

I'm sitting there hearing him pick up my rhythm. And my beats, which are all mine, and a lot of people would love to have them, but it's tough, you either have them or you don't,

This remarkably successful effort will mean a lot to the tens of thousands of individuals and families who are fighting neuromuscular diseases.

We simply couldn't ignore the need to help. We already have the infrastructure in place,

the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life.

This is a national security issue; this is a national security bill. It's important to protect our ports from this kind of foreign involvement.

It will take nothing less than a domestic Marshall Plan to rebuild our roads and utilities and homes and businesses.

I'm thrilled to help MDA lead the fight against muscular dystrophy and other muscle-wasting diseases,

I'm overjoyed we were able to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina and at the same time continue our 40-year tradition of helping my kids,

I need the American people to know I don't want you to forget my (MDA) kids because that suffering is ongoing.

He said, 'Listen, can you wait an hour before you blow your head off?' I said, 'Yes.'

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

Make film, shoot film, run film. Do something. Make film. Shoot anything.

(The Nutty Professor) was a labor of love. It was a total film. It was the most productive, creative work of my life.

I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

If I've learned anything in the more than 50 years that I've led MDA, it's that the generosity of the American people knows no bounds. I'm sure that with their fellow citizens in such dire need, they'll dig deep and do everything they can to help. I'm hopeful that many people will be willing to make two phone calls and donate to both causes.

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.

The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.

If you think childlike, you'll stay young. If you keep your energy going, and do everything with a little flair, you're gunna stay young. But most people do things without energy, and they atrophy their mind as well as their body. You have to think young, you have to laugh a lot, and you have to have good feelings for everyone in the world, because if you don't, it's going to come inside, your own poison, and it's over.

People say, "How would you like to be remembered?" I don't want to be remembered. Gimme a break. What I want is to hear what's great about me now. Let me hear it! In the box you don't hear these eulogies.

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you',

For those who understand, no explaination is needed...For those who don't, none will do.

You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.

I couldn't fathom little babies without water or food all that time. I find it impossible for my mind to accept men crying and fighting for their lives in front of everyone. Please search your hearts and know that what you do now is for human beings to stay alive.

The human needs in the Gulf region are all too apparent,

The human needs are all too apparent in the gulf area. We fully expect to be approving more assistance.

And he's right on the money every time. And I'm hysterical laughing at this kid!