Kathy Griffin Quotations

The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.

I am an outsider looking in, absolutely. You're not going to see me at the Academy Awards 'Vanity Fair' party any time soon. I'm not somebody who, no matter where I go, there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world, and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly.

No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.

Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.

To give up my job as a temp and actually make a living doing comedy, it was staggering.

Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.

I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.

Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.

I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone it's a joke!

I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone... it's a joke!

Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.

So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.

I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.

I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.

I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.

I love to work. I love doing standup.

I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.

A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.

I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.

I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.

It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.

I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.

A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.

I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.

I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.

I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.

I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.

I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.

I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.

It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.

My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.

The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.

The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.

When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.

I'll be honest, there's a part of me that does think I'm held to a different standard than my contemporaries and peers, and it's a little frustrating.

The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.

Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

We're so used to seeing celebrities being driven around in limos. I can go to an In-N-Out Burger whenever I want, and no one takes my picture.

Look, you guys, I know I'm not Courteney Cox. But I'm telling you, the house is better than me. They were like, 'I don't think so.'

Phoenix is great. I love Phoenix, ... I love Scottsdale. I love the James Hotel. I have a Kathy Griffin suite. I love -what's that place called? AZ 88. I had never had a cheese crisp, so I went to - oh, can't remember. We went to the State Fair, where I was all about the deep-fried Twinkie. I ate every deep-fried thing - oh, it was heavenly. I ate until I got sick.

Chris Rock doesn't do that, ... They're paying me my normal rate like I was doing a theater or college. So I'm there. Me in someone's living room.

KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST ... To Kathy Griffin. Warmest wishes, Renee Zellweger.

I was down there with her, ... We were F-list friends.

The fact that that really is my life, and that my husband Matt - who you see on the show - is like the most normal guy in the world.

There are lots of little mom and pop furniture stores in L.A., which is perfect for me because I like to mix the old with the new.

What I would really love is to be on a sitcom again, ... Everybody talks about Desperate Housewives - that's one show, and they're all gorgeous. But where's the Roseanne ? Where's the real women who are funny? That's where I come in.

Everybody in LA is really snobby, ... They were all like, 'We gotta go - on our way to do RenŽe Zellweger's house.' It was a typical LA experience. If you want to go to a restaurant in LA, you have to be on Desperate Housewives .

Put your eyebrows on the night stand and hang up the phone. He has lady eyebrows; pretty, drag-queen eyebrows. Enough with the tweezing.

This is when Casper Van Dien gets to have his moment in the sun.

When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, there is nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. “You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date.” Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

Why would you want to keep the bluebird houses mounted in a place that you now know is unsafe for them? Bluebirds are not ornaments for pictures, they are living things that deserve your best effort if you are going to be a landlord to them. There is no magic spell that will protect those bluebirds--they have to depend on you or they are doomed.

Phoenix is great. I love Phoenix, .. I love Scottsdale. I love the James Hotel. I have a Kathy Griffin suite. I love -what's that place called? AZ 88. I had never had a cheese crisp, so I went to - oh, can't remember. We went to the State Fair, where I was all about the deep-fried Twinkie. I ate every deep-fried thing - oh, it was heavenly. I ate until I got sick.

If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess.

I'm basically always on tour.

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed.

Always and Forever is a Grandmothers love

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

I am what you call a non-believer. I don't even want to say I'm an atheist because frankly I don't want to join their club either. But the point is, I am a fallen catholic, I'm not religious, and that's all well and good.

Life is adventure. Travel is adventure at a different address.

Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.

My act is based on my life.

No one teaches you how to do this. How do you let go of someone who you love so much?

I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.

Do you remember a little phenom called step aerobics? If you do, then you know how crazy it was to take two ninety-minute classes in a row. It’s incredible that I didn’t die from a blunt injury to the back of my head from slipping on my own pool of sweat.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a singer......the way Courtney Love is a singer.

I have a no-apology policy.

I am in love with Larry David.

It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!

I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

That's life when you're on the D-list.

I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.

And Don Cheadle and Andy Garcia are just sitting there. They are the real meat and bones of that cast. Julia keeps going on about how they are all good friends, and Don says something about his kids. She goes, 'I didn't know you had kids.' That tells you something. Good friends, sure.