Stephen Merchant Quotations

I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were 'The Other.' I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn't been; it makes no difference.

When I started to mention to people who know about such things, 'I'm doing this game, 'Portal 2', they got very excited, suddenly. More excited than anything I've ever done before, weirdly. Gamers are incredibly enthusiastic about the stuff they love.

The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word 'wife' on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.

Once I began doing stand-up, I didn't get a kick out of the applause or being the centre of attention - but I did get a kick out of the jigsaw puzzle aspect of it, searching for the right bit, adding another few pieces each night until the bigger picture appears. That's the appeal: the challenge of it.

I was trying for years to woo people through humour, but it seems flash cars are much easier.

I guess as you get older you sort of see the mechanics, even with the best comedians. There's admiration for people I admire, but it's not guttural laughter. It's a wry 'Oh, well done, sir.' But I sort of miss that slightly; I miss the raw joy of comedy I used to get.

I'm always jealous of Johnny Depp's sense of style, but if I tried to get away with a floppy hat and waistcoat, I'd look like a homeless person.

John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he was always very tall and gangly, but he was smart and used his physicality in a very funny way. I used to think, 'Well he came from Weston and he did it, so there's a chance for me.'

There's this way pop culture has been rammed down our throats that people think that if they were just in the right place at the right time, they'd be married to Heidi Klum.

Generally, I'm terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I've always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops.

I know that this sounds grand, but I don't try to compete with other people. I like to think there's enough pie for everyone. The kind of people I'm competing with are my heroes - Woody Allen, Billy Wilder - who I know I'm going to fall short of.

Remember that film 'Sliding Doors,' when John Hannah woos Gwyneth Paltrow by reciting Monty Python sketches? I can tell you now that doesn't work, so that film's wrong.

You hear some people saying, 'I'm alive on stage; it's where I feel most complete...' I don't understand that at all; I find that weird and depressing. I don't dislike the audience; it's just when I'm up there, they're in the darkness. There's just a sound of laughing or not. They're not 'people,' they're this big organism.

I don't know if I'm embarrassed because I think it's a funny show, but I could imagine there being a snootiness about it, but I do find 'The Big Bang Theory' very funny. I think that's a good show. I think it's fun, I like the actors; I think they're all doing a great job.

My teeth are all right, but they are not American teeth, and my hair is not thick and luscious. Los Angeles is dense with beautiful people, and most of the men who are aspiring actors are 5ft 5in, so I tower above them.

I don't have any hidden depths; I'm a very superficial person. It's a constant frustration to me.

I very rarely laugh. I remember I used to have a joy at comedy. I remember going to see Sean Lock for the first time live, just in some comedy club when I was 18, and again, just guttural, pure laughter. I didn't know what he was doing; I couldn't see the tricks.

People think all fame is the same, but being on BBC Two from time to time does not make you Warren Beatty. I honestly can't impress that upon people enough.

I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of 'dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off' way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, 'Steve's good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.'

I used to be quite a big video game player at university and post-university in that weird moment in life before you have a proper job and you've got a lot of idle time.

When I was a teenager, I met a comedian who I admired, and he was very rude to me. That's why when people come up to me I try not to be rude. I don't want to name who he is, but it really put me off watching his stuff since.

When we did 'The Office,' no one knew who we were, so it was easy to champion us; you could own us. Once you become successful, people don't have that any more, so it becomes more polarised. Some people want to champion you, and others want to slag you off. It doesn't concern me.

Things don't get better when you become well known or go on TV. I'm just being rejected by a better class of women.

I've always been a fan of physical comedy. It kind of hits you in a different way; it bypasses the intellect and hits you in the gut.

My heroes - people like Woody Allen - were stand-up comedians. Therefore, I always felt I should give it a go.

We were trying to follow up The Office,

We didn't want to have this kind of hermetically sealed world. We want to have different people coming in and interacting each week.

Maybe there's a sort of veneer of optimism about U.S. comedy, whereas perhaps in England, we don't mind ending it on a sourer note.

If we put the real Ricky on screen, with all his neuroses, it'd be worse than (his character on The Office) David Brent. People would hate him.

It was remarkable that the second best-selling autobiography of the year was Nelson Mandela, and the No. 1 book was (UK reality TV star) Jordan, who didn't even write it.

When I get hired as an actor as opposed to a writer, one of things that's exciting for me is doing stuff I wouldn't normally do myself. So whether it's a kid's movie or a voice in animation or in this case - where I just get to be silly, it's a different kind of comedy for me. As a performer, it's a different pleasure than when you're writing or directing. As a performer, you're just in the hands of the director and you go with whatever they want to do.

You can only be embarrassed if you allow yourself to be embarrassed. If you embrace it and just accept that you're kind of a klutz, and you're able to make it into comedy gold.

My twitter fans are all pretty weird. A lot of them are kind of weirdly sexually aggressive. Some of them made me laugh and then I instantly tried to forget them, because I'd hate to find myself in a bar kind of drunk and accidentally use one.

Even here in California with more contemporary buildings. I have a real problem with the low doorframes. It's a curse! That's just another of the many problems I have to live with.

The reason I keep talking about a wife and saying the word wife on stage is because it seems a funny word to me. The more you say it, the more it seems to detach from that person and become this sort of abstract thing: that you would set out to find a wife, that it would be an objective like buying a new car.

I like playing a bit of golf. But, if people went around beating people to death with golf clubs, I'd say, 'Ban golf. I'll take up tennis'