Ambrose Bierce Food Quotations

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.'

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; . . . also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread "per capita" of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'

Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.