Chelsea Handler Girl Quotations

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.