I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
I only like sports that Bond villains played.
I have a beard. Just not on my face...
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.