Craig Ferguson Humor Quotations

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.