Dave Barry God Quotations

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.