David Letterman Sarcastic Quotations

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.