Doug Stanhope Funny Quotations

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.