George Carlin Life Quotations

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Always do whatever's next.

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The status quo sucks.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Is there another word for synonym?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduces our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.