George Carlin Sarcastic Quotations

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.