George Carlin Stupid Quotations

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Life is a zero sum game.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Hooray for most things!

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

"No comment" is a comment.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.