Groucho Marx Inspiration Quotations

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Hello, I must be going.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

Humor is reason gone mad.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

I hope they bury me near a strait man

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

Go, and never darken my towels again

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge

How would you like to feel the way she looks

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs