H. L. Mencken Funny Quotations

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Freedom of press is limited to those who own one.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.