Jay Leno Yesterday Quotations

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.

Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.

The Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post-war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all their couches.

(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.

Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.

At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.

Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really - how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.

On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?

A lot of Congressmen yesterday were upset when Kenneth Lay took the Fifth. Lay said it wasn't his fault. He had planned on testifying, but when Jeffrey Skilling testified, he took all the really good lies.

Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'

According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.