Jimmy Kimmel Quotations

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

See Andy, ... one day you're going to be right here, between Ernest Torrance and Olive Borden.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

What I said about Pistons fans during halftime was a joke, nothing more. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Clearly, over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. If the Lakers win, I plan to overturn my own car.

What would be cool is if you avenged a rapper,

I still love comic books. When you have a kid, that's an excuse to keep reading all the comic books.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

What did you make last year - $350?

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

Oh, great, ... Three people beating me up. Maybe it isn't such a great idea.

Adam doesn't need a partner, ... The guy is just funny. He has a strong opinion on almost every topic. You can ask him about Sea-Monkeys or shoelaces and he has a strong opinion. And when he gets going, you're just a bystander.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

You would get your a*s kicked... I would have to take off my shoe and beat you down, brother!

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

ABC is on a roll. It seemed inevitable that they'd do something like this to screw it up.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

Don't be fooled by the dumb blonde routine. This woman is as smart as a rock.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

I'm feeling fine. I have my medication, and my energy's good. I only get unusual ailments.

I'm sure I would, ... But that would be funny for you.

I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie?

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I don't know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. We're just trying to take back the medium we invented!

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.