Joan Rivers Baby Quotations

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Having a baby can be a scream.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

Whenever there's a new baby in my family, even if I don't know who the father is, I display pictures of it. But only one or two per child. No one wants to see 37 pictures of your grandchild - which is also why you must never carry more than one picture of each grandchild in your wallet.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.