I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
We all started on his show, ... Every solid comedian today really got their break on the Carson show.
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.