Joan Rivers Sex Quotations

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

Better laid than never.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.