Milton Berle Christmas Quotations

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list