Natasha Leggero Funny Quotations

What's great about stand-up is that you can say whatever you want and go around the country, and sometimes the world, and work on it and see how people react. You don't need Standards & Practices or notes from lawyers or producers to tell you what's funny.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.