P. J. O'Rourke Fun Quotations

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow ... It is impossible to be alive and safe.

The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want.

Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It's impossible to be alive and safe.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.

There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.

One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.

Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said.

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.

Worshiping the earth is more fun than going to church. It's also closer.

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny.

Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.

Our earliest evidence of government, in the ruins of Babylon and Egypt, shows nothing but ziggurats and pyramids of wasted taxpayer money, the TARP funds and shovel-ready stimulus programs of their day.

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers.

Funding for the original manned Voyager Mars Program was scratched in 1968, before humans had gotten out of Low Earth Orbit. Mid-'60s plans for a Venus fly-by with astronauts actually flying by it met the same fate.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting.

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

Anything that makes your mother cry is fun

It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.

I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.