P. J. O'Rourke Funny Quotations

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny.

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they guillotined all the smart people in 1793.

Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said.

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.