American Comedian Quotations | Page 4

I don't let my feelings out. The audience brings out the part of me that wants to be funny. Maybe I want to be like that very deep down.

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don't work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won't work.

The trouble with most folks ain't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that ain't so.

The character was so strong, particularly because of that distinctive voice, that nobody could picture me in any other type of role.

The first thing that happens is that you're overwhelmed by so much attention. It's just so unnatural. Only people who've been in that position can realize what it's like. I mean, you have to be there.

And even very recently, when Taliban was in office, we took the humanitarian task of building hospital, for instance, schools and other arrangements.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.