All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.
Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.
Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.
The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.
God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.
If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.
He has a heart of gold - only harder.
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Life's more amusing than we thought.
What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.
For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.
A mother is the best friend God ever gave.
Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.
Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.
If the apocalypse comes...beep me!
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...
I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Life is a near-death experience.
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
We are all here on earth to help others.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.