Funny Quotations | Page 2

I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I like bowling. I suck at it, but I like it. You know what's so funny? I have days when I'm absolutely great at doing it, and then I have days when I just don't understand it.

'A Tuna Christmas' is the second in a series of plays created by Joe Sears and Jaston Williams featuring the fictional town of Greater Tuna, the third-smallest town in Texas. What makes these plays so hysterically funny is the accurate portrayal of small-town life in the Lone Star State.

It's so funny, you go to acting school thinking you're going to learn how to be other people, but really it taught me how to be myself. Because it's in understanding yourself deeply that you can lend yourself to another person's circumstances and another person's experience.

I'm coming out of the belly of Iran. It was the only place I was free. It's funny - when I say that, everyone is like, 'What? Freedom?' But the freedom I felt in Iran I've never felt anywhere else. Freedom of mind, freedom of time, of spirit. But after a while, you're so wounded that if you continue thinking about Iran, it will kill you.

It is virtually impossible to compete in today's global economy without a college degree.

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.

Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast.

Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know?

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Paul Taylor's 'Offenbach Overtures' has lots of zip and charm, and its pair of dueling soldiers in red, who end up starry-eyed about each other while their disgusted seconds take up the quarrel, is nonstop funny.

I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny.

I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything - funny, attractive, hard-working, she has integrity, she loves me to bits.

I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers.

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it.

I would love to do a movie with Albert Brooks; we're so different, but I find him so funny, and I can be just as seemingly narcissistic as he comes off, the 'it's all about me' kind of thing.

But the only comparison that I want to Lenny Bruce is that I'm funny. I'm Freddie Prinze, Puerto Rican all the way.

Someone told me I had funny facial expressions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but.

I love film, but it's funny going to drama school for three years, where you spend most of your time training for theatre, then coming out and just doing films.

I am interested in shows that are not out-and-out gag fests: you see the truth of a broken heart behind them. That is what life is like: it's really funny, you see funny things as soon as you step out of the room, but underneath that is a whole bag of broken hearts. It's that real pain and that real hilarity that makes life so intriguing.

The funny thing is I'm not even Latin. I was constantly getting Latin roles, and I was like, I even was nominated for an award, and I was like, 'Let them know at the NAACP, the first white woman. Let them know I'm totally grateful, but I'm not Latin. I can't do that. I play Latin.'

After 'Crocodile Dundee,' I turned down lots of stuff, most of it where I'd play the girlfriend of some funny man.

TV deals in very broad strokes. Like, 'Oh, that's my dumb friend', or, 'That's my funny friend.' A true best friend, a sidekick, has to be a little deeper then that. You have to feel like there's nothing either character won't do. That someone really, really has their back.

I can't imagine actually singing on this show like I did on 'Felicity', but it would be kind of funny.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

A friend of mine, now retired, was then a major exec at a major bank, and one of her jobs, the last four years, was the farewell interview.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'.

Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.

Life is the most exciting opportunity we have. But we have one shot. You graduate from college once, and that's it. You're going out of that nest. And you have to find that courage that's deep, deep, deep in there. Every step of the way.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

In order to be a realist, you must believe in miracles.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

I always think any circumstances can be funny. Not that I'm irresponsible, but when things go wrong, I always come up with a joke or think of something funny to say.

I used to go in for Disney auditions, and they'd tell me, 'You're cute and nice but just not funny.'

I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that.

Actually being funny is mostly telling the truth about things.

It's funny how the ruthless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers' and 'Scarface,' and they were the coolest. They're just really interesting stories with great characters. They're rock stars.

As a child, one of my defense mechanisms was to try to be funny. My mom tried to nurture that by putting me in acting class. But I got bored when we stopped pretending to be trees and actually had to work.

It's funny: I always, as a high school teacher and particularly as a high school yearbook teacher, because yearbook staffs are 90 percent female, I got to sit in and overhear teenage girl talk for many years. I like teenage girls; I like their drama, their foibles. And I think, 'I'll be good with a teenage daughter!'

It's funny that a lot of the fans of 'Angel' have come over and hung out with me on 'Leverage.' I was so fortunate to have been on that show. It created one of the best fan groups ever. I just have the best fans in the world.

Anyone who thinks they can write the perfect comedy that everyone will love is a fool. I can only write what I think is funny and hope that there is a likeminded audience out there.

The gummy bears tattoo was my idea. It's my son's favorite candy. The sketch was my other son's idea. It's a self-portrait of himself. I just showed the artist his sketch and had him tattoo it on my forearm. It looks like a stick person with big hair. It's pretty funny.

I'm stingy and I'm proud of the reputation.

Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable.

History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.

The moment somebody says "this is very risky" is the moment it becomes attractive to me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

While conscience is our friend, all is at peace; however once it is offended, farewell to a tranquil mind.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both.

One of life's most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn't do our homework, that we are not prepared.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Life is short, so enjoy it to the fullest.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony.

Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and go like a feather in the wind.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.