Adam Carolla Quotations | Page 2

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

My first car was a motorcycle.

I don't know anything about computers.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I know everything because I know nothing.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.

I get depressed at airports.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

There's no math equation that equals ratings or demographics or even (takes into consideration) 'The Man Show.' What the (bleep) is 'The Man Show' audience? You either go up there and connect, or you go up there and you don't connect,

It's hard to say when it will start, ... I'm not being evasive; I really have no idea. Right now, I hope it's later rather than sooner.

It's hard to say when it will start,

It should be like a salmon taking to open water, ... I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life, ... So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

The God's honest truth is that I'm probably funnier, but he's smarter. Here's the thing about Stern -- he's really a smart guy. He's nutty. He's outrageous. He's all those things, but he's also a very smart guy.