Christopher Moore Quotations | Page 3

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

Like most Beta Males, he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

I've got to think that that was unethical," Joshua said. "Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed." "How is it like a mustard seed?" "You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh?

Sometimes this high-tech world calls for low-tech solutions.

It was watching Madeline Alby eat cheese with every ounce of her being, like it was the first and best time, that made him realize that he had never really tasted cheese, or crackers, or life. And he didn't want his daughter to live that way. He'd moved her into her own room the night before...He hadn't slept well, and had gotten up five times during the night to check on her, only to find her sleeping peacefully, but he could lose a little sleep if Sophie could go through life without his fears and limitations. He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

Chapter 8, Dinner With the Vampire: Is there something wrong with your food?" No, I'm just not very hungry." You're going to break my heart, aren't you?

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.

The Winter Woman is as wild as a blizzard, as fresh as new snow. While some see her as cold, she has a fiery heart under that ice-queen exterior. She likes the stark simplicity of Japanese art and the daring complexity of Russian literature. She prefers sharp to flowing lines, brooding to pouting, and rock and roll to country and western. Her drink is vodka, her car is German, her analgesic is Advil. The Winter Woman likes her men weak and her coffee strong. She is prone to anemia, hysteria, and suicide.

Don't drive drunk. Ever. Don't shag anyone you don't like, or who doesn't like you. Get a look at how people live in a place where you don't. Suffering is over-rated, don't pursue it. Ask for help when you need it, don't when you don't, and learn to recognize the difference. Don't confuse movement and progress. Be kind. Be forgiving. Pay attention.

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast. "This is death toast sweety.

The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room.

He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

It's like time travel only, you know, slower...

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

The pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity.

She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.

For a while he'd tried molding himself into the tragic Romantic hero, brooding and staring clench-jawed off into space as he composed dark verse in his head. But it turned out that trying to appear tragic in Incontinence, Indiana, was redundant, and his mother kept shouting at him and making him forget his rhymes. "Tommy, if you keep grinding your teeth like that, they'll wear away and you'll have to have dentures like Aunt Ester." Tommy only wished his beard was as heavy as Aunt Ester's---then he could stare out over the moors while he stroked it pensively.

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

What is your name?" asked Lear. Caius," said Kent. And whence do you hail?" From Bonking, sire." Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

Science, you don't know, looks like magic.

Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....

[in reference to turkey bowling] He [Tommy] squinted and picked his target, then took his steps and sent the bird sliding down the aisle. A collective gasp rose from the crew as the fourteen-pound, self-basting, fresh-frozen projectile of wholesome savory goodness plowed into the soap bottles like a freight train into a chorus line of drunken grandmothers.

Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic.

I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit. He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?

Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.

In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them. The key — and this is very relevant in our case — is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.

Blessed are the dumbfucks.

Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair..

You want me and I want you. right?" Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

Turtles hate heights. They don't even like being a few feet off the ground. It's the main reason they have resisted evolution for so long-fear of heights. Turtle thinking goes thus: Sure, first our scales turn into feathers and the next thing you know we're flying and chirping and perching on trees. We've seen it happen. Thanks, but we're staying right here in the mud where we belong. You're not going to see us flying full-tilt boogie into a sliding glass door.

Children see magic because they look for it.

Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?

Finding a new map in the brain is a truly exciting experience. It's a little like traveling to an unexplored island. It's literally charting new territory.

Fan mail typically goes through your publisher and you don't get it for a long time. So you look like a jerk even if you answer them because it's been three or four months since they wrote you. With e-mail it's instantaneous. And it's a way that people have access to me, while I maintain my privacy.

What this means is, if someone from another state is looking for the nearest Joslin Diabetes Center for care, they can come to Las Vegas. This is a major benefit to the community because it puts diabetes in the spotlight here, and people will get better care because of that spotlight no matter where they receive treatment.

There's one painting that historically would have been better, ... because it was painted at the beginning of the Impressionist movement, and the one we're using is painted later. In the script they say, 'This is a very important painting because it was painted at start of the Impressionists,' and that's not really true. It was painted a few years later. But they selected the painting for purely visual reasons -- that they would capture better on camera, that it was more appealing, that it would catch the eye better.

It was a catastrophe, of course. We had no clients, no nothing. Nobody understood the idea of doing reproductions.

The Sousa era was also the same time as the boarding-school era when the Oneidas were shipped off (to be educated in white ways, as opposed to the tribal ways). They learned the Sousa music and took it back with them when they were done with boarding school.

As an author, you spend a lot of time by yourself in a room making clicky noises. It gets pretty insulated. You realize pretty early on in your career that even if this goes well, you could spend all your life in a room alone. Unless you pick projects that are going to get you out doing things, you're not going to actually live your life.

The African-American Freedom Trail: From Slavery to Freedom in New York City

I kind of dislike 'For Whom the Bell Tolls,' but most of Hemingway in general, mainly because his stylistic shenanigans ruined so many young writers of my generation who tried to imitate him. I think, for his time, he moved fiction to a different level stylistically, or at least added to the dialogue, but in our time, he's annoying.

I just finished a novel called 'Exult,' by Joe Quirk, last night. It's about hang gliding. I liked his first book, too, 'The Ultimate Rush.' I now know that I never, ever, ever want to go hang gliding, so that's good.

I hope she will be real proud. My ultimate goal is have it performed for the Oneida Nation in Wisconsin.

In the movie, the painting is supposed to be worth $100 million. No painting is worth $100 million. But for the movie, $100 million is a number that any person can understand as expensive. If you say $50 million nowadays, it's not enough.

He's probably one of the top Native American composers working now. He's flying in from Minneapolis and will be here on Saturday night for the performance.

Gallery owners know me, but they never say, 'Hello,' because they don't want other people to know they know me, ... I have a little flag on my head saying, 'I'm the guy doing the fake things.'

I came back to San Francisco and spent more time in the neighborhoods like Chinatown and the Mission that I hadn't been in much before. I tried to get a feel for all parts of the city, so when I wrote the book, the neighborhoods would be like characters. There are scenes where all Charlie does is walk through neighborhoods, and it's like an Impressionist painting.

Collectors say, 'I hate reproductions. It's awful. Why would anybody do that?,' ... That's what they say officially. But behind the scenes they use our copies. On the walls they have our copies. All their paintings are in vaults.