Dave Barry Quotations

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will never be good.

UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat.

A secret society within a secret society.

Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors' homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.

Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

Someone was tapping on the window.

normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)