David Letterman Quotations

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

What a big night that is going to be not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway. You have the big 'Color Purple' Broadway opening, and then right across the street here in this theater, you have Oprah appearing here. I mean, that's what Broadway is all about it's a street of dreams.

What a big night that is going to be -- not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway.

This win today has so many interesting, worthy facets, ... Bobby touched on Buddy coming in, getting a good ride. Was there a stronger car in the field today? Was there a stronger driver in the field today? My God, Buddy just would not stop, and it was eating everybody alive. There's something about it, it was I think preordained certainly. You could feel it. You could feel it from the start of the race.

I go where Bobby goes, and he tells me what we're going to do and I say, sure, let's do it, ... But obviously, in the beginning, it was a disappointment not to be here.

I don't belong here, ... What am I doing here? It's crazy, absolutely crazy. I'm the luckiest man in the world today, believe me

It is a sad day for his family and for the country,

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

When I was 52, I woke up after eight hours of heart surgery -- that's a big deal, ... I had my first son last year, that's a big deal. Now, I'm part of the team that won the Indianapolis 500. Those are three pretty good things to have in your life.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.

Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.

Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah and Oprah. On the one hand, a very powerful woman qualified to be President of the United States, and on the other hand, you have Sarah ... But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected.

Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she combined them. A lot of times that will happen and people will confuse combinations of words. I remember a couple years ago John McCain mistakenly combined the words Vice President and Palin.

I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.

I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.

It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.