David Spade Quotations

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

He goes down as one of the greats. And I still think about him every day.

I think it's sweet that everyone still has a real nice place in their hearts for him, they still remember him.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

Single guys get a bad rap.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

It's hard to have a career.

A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

It's funny because it's funny.

To be famous and broke is hard.

I have no detectable hair style.

My career is just kind of crazy.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

It's the old college days kind of thing.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

I'm just doing the show for a while, might do another 'Joe Dirt' movie in the summer. That's about it. The show is really starting and that's what I have to do, like my day-to-day job.

I like to think it's because I'm a cool guy, but maybe they just don't want to be made fun of.

You catch all the '80s hits without any of 'the stuff from the new album,'