E. W. Howe Quotations | Page 2

When a man is trying to sell you something, don't imagine he is that polite all the time.

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

At first a woman doesn't want anything but a husband, but as soon as gets one, she wants everything else in the world.

The way to keep a cat is to try to chase it away.

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.

A reasonable probability is the only certainty.

There is no get-rich-quick scheme equal to a poor girl marrying a rich man.

Love affairs have always greatly interested me, but I do not greatly care for them in books or moving pictures. In a love affair, I wish to be the hero, with no audience present.

Nothing tires a man more than to be grateful all the time.

Youth is about the only thing worth having, and that is about the only thing youth has.

Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.

Raising children is like making biscuits: it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough.

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

When a man dies, and his kin are glad of it, they say, "He is better off."

The more wealth a man has, the louder his children talk.

A man has a right to think lots of things he has no right to say.

Men are a good deal better collectively than they are individually. Many a man will do that privately which he will denounce in a crowd.

Good manners do more for a man that good looks.

The only gambling tip which amounts to anything is to keep out of the game.

Probably you have noted the resemblance of the critic to the crank.

Nearly every man is a coward, if confronted by the proper terror.

Bravery is knowledge of the cowardice of the enemy.

When a man tells you what people are saying about you, tell him what people are saying about him; that will immediately take his mind off your troubles.

About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.

A poem is no place for an idea.

No really sensible person ever remembers enough poetry to recite it.

Most of us are either too think to enjoy eating, or too fat to enjoy walking.

Loving everybody is polygamy. I care for no friend who loves his enemy equally well.

How good we all are, in theory, to the old; and how in fact we wish them to wander off like old dogs, die without bothering us, and bury themselves.

Everyone hates a martyr; it's no wonder martyrs were burned at the stake.

Somehow, everyone hates to see an unusually pretty girl get married. It is like taking a bite out of a very fine-looking peach.

Nothing pleases a woman quite so well as to look so sweet that a man wants to kiss her, and then abuse him for his impudence.

If a man takes one day off, it takes him about three days to get the harness fitted again.

One trouble with growing old is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure, who didn't amount to much when he was your age.

Most people eat as if they were fattening themselves for market.

A women could never be President. A condidate must be over 35, and where are you going to find a woman who will admit she's over 35?

Nearly every lawsuit is an insult to the intelligence of both plaintiff and defendant.

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

What is common sense? That which attracts the least opposition that which brings most agreeable and worthy results.

Most people put off till tomorrow that which they should have done yesterday.

You can't do anything unless you do it yourself. And usually you can't do it yourself very well.

The most agreeable thing in life is worthy accomplishment. It is not possible that the idle tramp is as contented as the farmers along the road who own their own farms, and whose credit is good at the bank in town. When the tramps get together at night, they abuse the farmers, but do not get as much satisfaction out of it as do the farmers who abuse the tramps. The sounder your argument, the more satisfaction you get out of it.

I declare my belief that it is not your duty to do anything that is not to your own interest. Whenever it is unquestionably your duty to do a thing, then it will benefit you to perform that duty.

There must be some good in the cocktail party to account for its immense vogue among otherwise sane people.

Men are virtuous because women are; women are virtuous from necessity.

A religion that never suffices to govern a man will never suffice to save him; that which does not sufficiently distinguish one from a wicked world will never distinguish him from a perishing world.

A loafer never works except when there is a fire; then he will carry out more furniture than anybody.

When I am idle and shiftless, my affairs become confused; when I work, I get results ... not great results, but enough to encourage me.

No scheme pays as well as legitimate business.

So long as we do not blow our brains out, we have decided life is worth living.

Faith may have removed mountains way off somewhere, a long time ago, but it won't remove a wart at home this week.

Few men progress, except as they are pushed along by events.

We must be truthful and fair in the ordinary affairs of life before we can be truthful and fair in patriotism and religion.

The greatest thing in the world is for a man to be able to do something well, and say nothing about it.

I have long been disposed to judge men by their average. If it is reasonably high, I am charitable with faults that look pretty black.

Every man is a reformer until reform tramps on his toes.

If you have sense enough to realize why flies gather around a restaurant, you should be able to appreciate why men run for office.

I believe in grumbling; it is the politest form of fighting known.

Don't be crazy to do a lot of things you can't do ....

When I get hold of a book I particularly admire, I am so enthusiastic that I loan it to someone who never brings it back.

No man has all the wisdom in the world; everyone has some.

When a man once gets a start holding office, it is nearly always necessary to finally choke him off.

No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less

If the fools do not control the world, it isn't because they are not in the majority.

Where the guests at a gathering are well-acquainted, they eat 20 per cent more than they otherwise would.

It is a matter of regret that many low, mean suspicions turn out to be well founded.

When a man asks your advice, he usually tells you just how he expects you to decide.

A woman does not spend all her time in buying things; she spends part of it in taking them back.

A man who will not get scared on some occasions, lacks good sense.

The only thing some people do is get older.

A really busy person never knows how much he weighs.

A man forgets his good luck next day, but remembers his bad luck until next year.

In thousands of years there has been no advance in public morals, in philosophy, in religion or in politics, but the advance in business has been the greatest miracle the world has ever known.

Honesty is largely a matter of information, of knowing that dishonesty is a mistake. Principle is not as powerful in keeping people straight as a policeman.

Indignation does no good unless it is backed with a club of sufficient size to awe the opposition.

Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.

The most destructive criticism is indifference.

There is something in the red of a raspberry pie that looks as good to a man as the red in a sheep looks to a wolf.

Some people never have anything except ideals.

I try to have no plans the failure of which would greatly annoy me. Half the unhappiness in the world is due to the failure of plans which were never reasonable, and often impossible.

People never have confidence in a Big Talker. They know his statements must be cut down, but they can never tell how much.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

Put cream and sugar on a fly and it tastes very much like a raspberry.