Garry Shandling Quotations

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

Nobody can write better jokes putting me down than me.

'The Larry Sanders Show,' it's actually about love, which would sound like a paradox at first. But if that love didn't exist, the darker attitudes would not play. You would have a one-dimensional, cynical show, which I don't think the show was.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I once saw an elaborate landscape in a gallery, drawn in pencil, that took my breath away. Then I realized the artist probably didn't have enough confidence to use a pen.

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I like to talk on the cell when I do interviews. That way, I double my chances of getting brain cancer: from the cell phone, and from the questions.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?

I keep my scrapbooks in the car. When I come to a stoplight, I start looking through my past. Sometimes I wish the red lights were longer.

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?

I may discuss love, and I don't mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn't handle two.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.

I feel that everything I do in my life I can do in a shorter time than most men can. It's the quality, not the quantity.

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

When I don't have a good time, it's usually because there's a stiffness that stifles creativity.

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it's curious that they don't do it. They would each have to be asked the reason why they don't.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I am interested in how human beings react to crisis and conflict.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.

It takes me so long to get tired of a man. It's women that are the problem. Don't get me wrong. I think men have their problems just as much as women.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.

I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"

I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?