Groucho Marx Quotations

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I don't care to join and club that's prepared to have me as a member.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I would horsewhip you if I had a horse

I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man

Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter....

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

I hate London when it's not raining.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!