Hal Sparks Quotations

It's better to waste money, than it is to waste time. You can always get more money.

People think that the arts are optional and they aren't. They teach a level of emotional depth that's equally important to mathematic skill. You can replace some math skills with a calculator if you know how to operate the thing, but there's no calculator for human interaction.

Sometimes I play guitar like a frustrated drummer.

Jerry Springer' is just kind of the chubby, redneck version of throwing Christians to the lions.

Political and social change is always a stagger-step process. One step forward, two steps back. They want you to give up.

If you are for freedom and equal rights, which we hear a lot of talk about these days, then you have to include the LGBTQ community in that. And if you're not willing to put your time where your mouth is, then I don't know quite what you mean by commitment in your life.

If you take anything I say with any seriousness whatsoever, go study Yang style tai chi. It will make you live longer.

I'm a futurist. Technology is our way out of almost every problem we have. Technology can create a new sense of community.

The pop musicians often leave meaning in the dust and substitute it for cartoons. The deeper artists - the grunge artists in the world and the emoticon people - tend to leave all of the happiness out of life like it just doesn't exist.

As a stand up, and often in acting, there is no place for the most intense feelings. Rage, genuine sorrow, naked hope... These things don't fit on a comedy stage and if you act you'll get to express them once in a while. Music is a place for the intensely personal.

Vegas has the Whitman's Sampler of audiences. They come from all different places, so you have to do some crowd psychology. You have to find the heartbeat of the room. It doesn't shift my jokes, but it shifts my timing and my attention.

If 'Airplane!' comes on, it's like a comfort film. You can always guarantee a laugh watching that movie.

I try to be as ignorant about things as I can.

Mainly, when I go see a show, unfortunately it's more industrial espionage than it is going to actually enjoy a show.

Political and social change is always a stagger-step process.

Truth be told, ginormous portions have become a pet peeve of mine.

Anyone who still supports George Bush would still let Michael Jackson babysit their kids.

If I could sew comedy and philosophy together, then I've done a good job. The primary goal is always going to be laughs and the secondary goal is always going to be saying something without it being a lecture. I think it's important to have substance for what you're saying.

You'd think after 8 years of things called 'The Patriot Act' and 'No Child Left Behind' they would know that we have figured out the 'Call it what it ain't' PR ploy by now, but... um... no.

I'm as heterosexual as any person need be. I'm open about my relationships - or lack thereof - in my own life, because I want to make the case that gay isn't contagious. It's not something that you can catch or learn or choose.

Most 'reality' shows aren't reality at all. They're game shows with no prize. Like 'Rock of Love.' His aren't genuine feelings. Then again, Bob Barker didn't really care whether or not you won the toaster. Sorry to shatter everyone's dreams.

Someone needs to remind American CEOs that if you can't run a company that is innovative, financially sound and doesn't poison the rest of us, You can't run a company.

The name 'Charmageddon' actually comes from a social technique that I use. Which is, you know, literally obliterating people with charm so that you can get away with saying stuff that no one else could ever get away with, you know?

Growing up in Kentucky, I used to hang out with four running buddies as a kid - 6, 10, and 11 years old. Two of them would later come out, and so 50 percent of my friends as a kid were gay.

I disagree with the use of the word "Pussy" to describe a weak person. Because the Vagina is the tougher of the two genitals. Think about it. It can pass something 50 times it's size through it. You can pound on it for hours and it goes "More! More!" It Bleeds every month and it Won't Die! It's like the Predator! Meanwhile my Penis.. If it gets cold or there's a fight he's like "I'm outta here!" What I'm trying to say is... My Dick is a Pussy.

There is never hesitation about doing stand-up. It's just me doing my thing. Unlike being in a band or a play or something, I don't have to rely on anyone else but me.

Hoffman will win. It's a crazy character, and Oscars like crazy people, and they want to give him a shout out for 'Twister.' That was his breakout role, you know.

I think it's going to be Reese. Again, if somebody that movie was about died in the last year or so, that's the odds on favorite. They like dead people at the Oscars. I mean, the Oscar will go to Reese and June Carter. How can you not give an Oscar to a dead woman?

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves is about a communist sympathizer in tights who, uh, takes people's hard earned money and gives it to lazy people.

People only have guilty pleasures when they crowbar pleasure down their throat all the time and then they reach for the brownies. Then you should feel guilty because you're killing your body and that's something to be guilty about.

Tori Amos had a major influence on how I craft words in a song. Until I heard 'Little Earthquakes' all my lyrics used really obvious analogies like rain for tears.

Tori Amos had a major influence on how I craft words in a song.

Other kids would sneak out of the house to go to parties and do untoward things. I was sneaking out to do standup downtown. It paid off.

'Cold Case Files' and similar shows do bang up business, which points to a certain thirst for details in the viewership, but it seems like all the news chat shows continue to force the myth that Americans can't stand detail and have no interest in an idea that can't fit on a bumper sticker.

They say things like 'you know what I like about living in a small town? Everybody goes to church together and to the general store. Everybody knows everybody.' That's total horse shit.

It's a cute thing. Fame is their new toy.

There is never hesitation about doing stand-up. It's just me doing my thing.

If I have anything, it's tenacity.

Ive been doing stand-up since I was 15 years old.

Boredom is your mind and body's way of telling you you're not living up to your potential.

I'm named after a computer and grew up really interested in them.

It's better to waste money than time. You can always get more money.

I've always said that I benefit, as an actor, from not having the illusion of security.

I'm a writer, so I like dissecting things.

I admire Laura Bush because she's the only librarian who would marry an illiterate.

I noticed a lot of guitar players neglected the rhythm part of rhythm guitar and decided I would try to focus in that.

Cold Case Files' and similar shows do bang up business, which points to a certain thirst for details in the viewership, but it seems like all the news chat shows continue to force the myth that Americans can't stand detail and have no interest in an idea that can't fit on a bumper sticker.

The Bush administration made us nostalgic for ... well, any other time in history.

You would not believe how much time people waste in a day. And how little time they put into things they genuinely love.

All musicians need a day job in the beginning. Unless they still live with their parents, I guess. I'm just lucky that my day job is simply another form of art.

The important thing is having genuine regard for your audience.