Henry "Henny" Youngmanwas an American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife ... please"...
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.