Jack Handey

Jack Handey
Jack Handeyis an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character...
jewels metal precious religion round stones
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
family five flipped kept met polite pretended wonder
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
asked buy came digging good lived money pick save start twenty west wish ya
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?
chains deep funny-love liking love night thoughts throw
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
arm asking asks behind deep define funny-love love night spin thoughts whenever
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
opening worms
The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!
boxing dancers except hit sports
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
beer dreams drink glass hopes might reflect selfish true workers worry
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
chewing face funny good hard hits joke laugh night saturday spit talking tells
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live
adopting bits deep eaten feed friend friends-or-friendship night okay serious teach thoughts
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
asked bunch came funny gold good indian poor sue swallowed
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.
behind funny gets joke lobster work
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
argument bit feet friend funny gets good guys hiking night poisonous pretend saturday start ten
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live
blame discovers good later money santa steal
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.