Jay London Quotations

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.

I had a very lonely New Year's this year, I had to watch my own balls drop.

I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where is the Bath section I say 'It's Beyond Me'.

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Virgo, and a real Virgo. Nit picky, cranky, cantankerous, fidgety, neurotic. All of the above, but that's good.

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed? She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I model irregular clothing.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart,

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.