Jeff Ross Quotations

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I first started doing these roasts in the mid '90s, they were a lost art, like jousting or calligraphy. But I feel like roasts help tame the room and let off steam... It's like it's all being handled by professionals.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

People are roasting each other at parties, at work events, around the fire. It's so fun. People are busting each other's chops, and it's a sign of affection, truly. It's a true test of love and friendship: can you make a man laugh at himself? So what makes a good burn? Go after targets you love and respect. And hit 'em hard.

Most people, when they think of an insult, they keep it to themselves. But you wouldn't believe the things people say on my Twitter feed, and I'm a nice guy. Imagine if I was a jerk.

There are no subtleties in a war zone. I think that's why comedy does so well there. It goes right for the gut. So those punch lines start penetrating the bullet-proof vests.

When I see something that's sensitive, I go, 'You've got to put that out there.' You need to keep the dialogue going and shine a light on the bad guys. If you sweep it under the carpet, people forget about it. People stop talking about it.

I'm not hurting anybody. Comedy's all about innuendo. I'm putting it out there just like anybody else.

With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we buy a pair of socks, the most telling sign that we're losing our politeness. When you know everything about somebody, you can talk to them any way you please.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley.

If you keep looking backwards, you don't go anywhere.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

Bad taste is not illegal. I always got my first laughs as a kid by saying inappropriate things. That's always how we're going to get our laughs as comics.

Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.

Comedians second-guessing themselves is scary. Poor taste is not a crime and we can't forget that.

Occasionally a roast master needs to get out of Dodge.

You don't mess with Oprah. She has enough money in her left pocket to have me killed.

With roasting, you've really got to bring your A-game. I hate to admit it, but I probably think and obsess more about the roasts than my own series. Because there's so much attention focused on the roasts. It's like the 'Super Bowl' of comedy. Everybody is going to talk about it. Forever.

As soon as a roast is announced, I get everybody - family, friends, waitresses, cab drivers - giving me jokes about the person getting roasted. I'm the mouthpiece for the masses.

Could you imagine me and the roasters taking on the GOP field? It would be the greatest show ever. Prove that you can take a joke. Prove that you're a man or woman of the people. Prove that you're not above criticism even in the form of a backhanded compliment.

I think Jersey stands alone, and because I'm from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I'll make fun of what they look like, but I'll never make fun of where they are from. Jersey is special.

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

I don't think you cross the line - I think you move the line.

It's up to comedians to shine the light on what's wrong in the world, and we don't want things swept under the rug.

Nobody likes a bad sport, no matter what the circumstances are.

I'd like to do a Jewish porno movie. I'd call it 'I don't Want to Do That.

If the density of naturally spawned bass is more than 25 percent below average, the lake receives the higher stocking rate.

I think it's important for comedians to do our little part. I don't do it carelessly. I do it thoughtfully. I don't try to just shock. I try to make a statement.

Our coaches kept reminding us, all week, to stay calm, stay calm. They knew the kind of atmosphere we'd have to deal with tonight.

People love to see public figures get taken down a notch, and by the same token, everyone loves to be the center of attention, even when there's a target on their forehead.

I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.

I think comics should test people, I think it's our job to go too far. That way we know as a society what too far is. Where else are you going to hear it?

It doesn't matter what the records are. Both teams play up to the challenge of the game.

Just because a lake needs bass, it doesn't mean it's in poor shape. All lakes have good and bad years.

We played much better as a team. Defensively we came up big against some excellent strikers by not giving them what they wanted.

We kind of do our own thing as an independent. We are able to make decisions and moves that company stores would have to wait for corporate permission to do, ... I have no problems with Supervalu. They have addressed an issue that we all had and that was they tried to play both sides of the fence (wholesaler and retail outlet). I wasn't surprised they announced they are selling their corporate stores.

We are trying to make it a trophy bass lake ... a place you can go and catch the fish of a lifetime.

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A lot of the ballplayers loved that movie. When we got there, the Angels wanted him to come to their locker room, too.

It's always a good rivalry. They all went to grammar school with each other. It's not just bragging rights for the season. They'll be kidding each other forever.

Stockings (at those rates) aren't feasible on our bigger reservoirs. We don't have that many fish.

It was a great experience and an acknowledgment for him. He loved the recognition and would turn back and say, 'I'm your boy Blue.

The lakes on the stocking list can and will change, based on need. We won't be reacting to the problem (of a poor year class), we'll be addressing the problem as it occurs.

In the last couple of years, there has definitely been an increase in the number of wage-and-hour actions brought on behalf of computer related employees.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

South Park called...they want their everything back.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.

You have such a huge career ... behind you.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.