Jimmy Carr Quotations

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

Who doesn't wear M&S underwear? They've been 'supporting' me for years and now I'm glad I've got a suit to wear as well. Marks & Spencer is a great British institution and I am very happy to be associated with it.

We need to create a niche different from the NCAA. The NAIA is about students first, about their education.

fans have been writing in asking why the show hasn't made a return. Bosses felt it was the right time.

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I don't see myself as offending people.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Say what you want about the deaf...

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

How many airports are there in the world?

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.