Ken Dodd Quotations

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I feel people desperately want a laugh and what I offer them is optimistic comedy. Unlike some comics, I don't tell them what a rotten world it is. I say life is fabulous and wonderful and we should enjoy it while we can.

He must have come to about six shows and even watched a couple of them, and I have to say the finished image is just how I want to be remembered. I want people to remember me as a working comedian.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.