Kinky Friedman Quotations

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get,

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

I don't apologize to people with an agenda.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'

Young people are the key to this election.

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

Many of us feel that the soul of Texas may be riding on this campaign. I would dearly love to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property tax.

She has a lot of money, I think. We don't. Of course, the governor does. We have a government of the money, by the money and for the money. ... That's not the American dream.

One eye is laughing and one eye is crying. And the eye that is crying is because this governor has been invisibly banning gay marriage for the past two or three years while the education has just veered into a meteor crater somewhere.

I don't care much about big corporations, frankly. Most politicians never met a special-interest group they didn't like.

But believe me, we can win this thing with a big turnout. And Rick Perry knows it. That's what the Jesse Ventura guys are telling us.

Here's my explanation. I was drinking it ... but I did not swallow.

Jesse is a virtual gold mine of information. He's been through the fire. He knows what works and doesn't work.

Our people are going to be with us, and her people are going to be with her, and there's plenty of them.

Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign, ... I think we've got a real, real shot.

My wife thinks it should be put out a little bit further.

We invented Texas Hold 'em and we can't even play it here. But every state around us sure can.

We'll be on the ballot. I think the soul of Texas is riding on this campaign.

You all are heroes of mine, and I ain't got many heroes.

Whatever we're going to do, we're going to make it fun.

Every 150 years we have a revolution in Texas and this is it.

I've always said that this campaign is running on the coin of the spirit. I've also said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. This spiritual journey to the Governor's mansion is a long one, and we are going to need some help.

I've always thought that she was pretty spunky. I like her spirit.

This is a true moment in history. When we get on the ballot, we'll be making history.

This is really happening. It isn't a dream, or maybe it is, but it's one long, long overdue.

They knew he was a confession machine who would confess to anything. That's what happened that started this long cycle that Max has gotten here.

It seems to me the governor has just discovered we have a border.

I'm a gambler, and now I'm betting on Texas,

In order to do this, we are gong to have to leave one governor behind. I don't see how the people who created the problem are going to fix it.

How sad for him to be hoping for a small turnout.

I believe now from the energy I'm seeing we're definitely going to get on the ballot. It's not going to be easy but we are going to do it.

We're going to make that Lone Star shine again

This is called "spiritual lifting." It's not heavy lifting. The governor of Texas should not be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's a powerful position. The governor of Texas can't do any heavy lifting really. It's not that powerful a position.

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas.

I believe that voices like Ross Perot (search), Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance.

Inspiration thing is important, to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport, RFK's not a stadium, Martin Luther King ain't a street

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

I've achieved many of my dreams, and I want to see that some others get a chance to, especially younger Texans.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

My goal as a young man, to be fat, famous and financially fixed by 50.

I'm also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won't let them get married. So that's not common sense.

Remember, the Legislature is the joke, not our campaign.

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

I don't see how the people who created the problem can fix it. Texas is worth fighting for, and the best way to fight is to get the politicians out of politics.

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

I'm not pro-life, and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football.

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

The only thing that really differentiates Texas from any other place in the world is the proclivity of its people to urinate outdoors and to attach a certain amount of importance to this popular pastime.

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

And I'll tell you another thing, you won't find any candidate that supports prayer in school and gay marriage. For that reason alone, people should vote for an independent-thinking person.

Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them, eight to 12 a day, so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit, a hundred bucks a day.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you.