Les Dawson Quotations

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Slumps don't bother me.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.