Norm MacDonald Quotations | Page 2

The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.

We advise others better than ourselves.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.

I don't have any ambition.

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

I have a little bit of an out-of-body experience where I enjoy the scenario, and I really do like seeing a crowd turn into a mob, and I do nothing to stop it. People can become really dangerous.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States."

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called The George Costanza Show.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so immersed in it that nothing appeals to you.

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.