Phyllis Diller Quotations

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.