Sarah Silverman Quotations

I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.

I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.

I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.

My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.

I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.

Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.

It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.

I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.

I'd love to do drama if it was interesting.

I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

Smells definitely do have a crazy impact on me.

Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.

When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

My dad loves to be talked about, good or bad. He just loves it. He's not even hearing the content, he's just hearing him. When I'm onstage, he's looking at the audience members and can't believe that there are strangers listening to me, and he's just delighted by the whole thing.

I always want to laugh at the sad stuff. You don't need to laugh at the other stuff. I'm not numb to these things. I still go into really dark periods about Sept. 11. I think it's kind of like bullies. Bullies are just scared and thin-skinned, so they have to become bullies as a kind of survival tactic. I think comics are that way, too.

but it's not as common as you would think.

I'm always writing; I'm always jotting things down on paper or making notes in my iPhone. Then I'll make myself sit down and kind of shape it up, but there's really no other way to practice other than onstage.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a (expletive) dream, too.

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.

People need to feel like they're not being attacked, like they're in a safe space where no punches are being pulled.

What are the chances there is a God, really?

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

And then in my senior year of high school, I tried to go on at local nightclubs in New Hampshire, or I'd go on at school assemblies.

As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter, and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness.

The nightmare stories are all true, but it was good. Made me so strong after that year of getting my confidence beaten out of me.

Even when I'm dreading it, I want to talk about it - it only helps me.

Oh, this sounds so obnoxious, ... I'm not planning anything out. I'm just trying to be funny. I don't think any of it's particularly deep. It's just what interests me.

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want to vomit.

I'm doing a lot of stand-up, but not like when you're living in New York and you can do three sets a night and it's your life, and you sleep all day and you wake up and you eat with a bunch of other comics and then get ready for the night.

I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.

I never defend my material. Comedy is subjective.

I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan.

I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

In terms of television and movies, I've been really interested in seeing the partnership of comedy and beauty and heart. I think they can go together really well and really thoughtfully. But, I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.

I can't believe how much time has passed. The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage.

I do love the idea of ritual. I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

And I like that people sometimes get more out of it - if it instigates thoughts about race, or sex, or something.

The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage. Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident.

I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.

Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews.

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.

I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.

I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive.

My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.

Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.

I do know that I can take a punch. I've been punched in the face three times. That's, I think, a really important thing to know about yourself. It helps you in life. It helps you be brave when you know you can take a punch. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But, God bless me, I can take a punch.

I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers.

I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.

I like to think of myself as 'hot-larious' I'm cute, but I'm totally approachable.

I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.

Some things are just for private. It's like people thinking I'm cold or this or that. It's unfortunate, but I don't need strangers to know that I'm warm. I don't need strangers to know the real me.

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.

People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at the time.

I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

Like I said about Seinfeld and Chris Rock, they're a great combination of brilliance and hard work. [But] there are people who are brilliant and don't work hard, and there are people who are brilliant and sabotage themselves

Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.

I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.

If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.

If I have to write by a certain time, I can pull through, but usually I just let stuff happen, hanging out with comic friends - or bringing a basic idea on stage and seeing if it goes anywhere.

I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.

In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it.

As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness. I covered it with being funny and tough, but it's hard to be tough when you're making your cot in your bunk over soaking wet sheets and acting like nobody can smell anything.

Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.

The female nudity in movies is always sexualized.

There are so many great comedies, right now. I like how comedies are really mixing. They're not just one thing. It can be very moving and dramatic, and yet hilarious.

I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.

I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love.

I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. It's funny, because each time I'm getting my picture taken, I'm thinking, This is a nice outfit.

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.

We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.

When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.

I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.

I remember my first standup act when I was seventeen; I did a really lame song about being flat chested. I was doing it in New York, and I remember Kevin Brennan, the guy I lost my virginity to, was like "That song doesn't make sense, you have tits."

I was Minnie Mouse for Halloween, every year when I was little. Then, I had the Cinderella nightgown, when I was really little, that I begged my mother to wear to school. I was also Snow White a lot.

I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.

Sometimes loving each other isn't enough. You have to be responsible for your own happiness. You can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of the unknown.

I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror. ...

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.

I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.

I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.