Tim Allen Quotations

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

Lower-valued properties appreciate less quickly. Higher-valued properties appreciate more quickly. Someone with a $100,000 home benefits, but someone with a $1 million home benefits more.

Lots of companies sell basic communications and connectivity. ATX goes far beyond that to offer meaningful ideas and solutions that truly enhance the way businesses operate and compete. From maximizing employee productivity, to protecting mission-critical data, to increasing cost-efficiency, we're helping small and mid-size organizations improve the way they do business.

no class at Wilson has more than 22 students at this time.

No business they could invest in is as good as buying their own stock. Any business you get into is not going to be as good as the business you have.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, ... Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

What we are talking about is way out in front of where most of our customers are at the moment. But they catch up all at once sometimes.

What would happen is the champion would be protected.

It bolsters the perception that this administration relies too much on spin.

I think the rules are excellent. There are probably plenty of things they can do to increase fan involvement and keep spirit up that don't involve placing anyone at risk.

I think for ease of viewing, the hockey events, the ice-skating events are the best.

We have a great team here. And we've received tremendous support from parents. We're really trying to bring this whole thing together to have a successful transition.

You know from one year to the next what's expected. You get the same drills, the same expectations, the same teaching.

The demand by our institutions was substantial, but we are pleased to work with the American Airlines Center on this public sale. It has resulted in some quality seats being available to the general public.

I've been bowling since I was four years old.

Developing software is way too hard. I think we just haven't been able to keep up with the huge increase in memory size and computing power.

As far as trucking in snow, we don't have the money.

There were no problems today, ... We are pleased about how things went. Everything was well organized and put together. We enjoyed the celebration of a new school year.

It's a little bit of a relief. It's not a total catastrophe. It looks like they're saying the second quarter is the bottom.

Even when I first saw it I thought, 'I don't know if kids are gonna buy this, adults especially not, it's too high tech, it looks too much like a video game,'

It was obvious to me that they had copied these drawings. And knowing that they had copied them they could really only exist in electronic form,

The forecast might rule out upside potential for the quarter.

The first-quarter numbers were as advertised. The longer-term story for Microsoft hasn't changed. Estimates beyond the second quarter haven't changed.

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.

I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don't do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn't like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I'd probably eat vegetables.

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

Men aren't allowed to have self-esteem, because we're already supposed to have all the power.... But most men earn less than they want, barely the minimum wage. They're drones. They do stuff they don't want to do to support their families, and they're not sure why they do it. They don't know what they're doing half the time, and any time we stick up for ourselves, we're pigs because we don't know how to articulate our frustrations and joys.

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

I do a lot of family shows.

I have a thing for tools.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

I've always felt, and I don't like to say this because I sound like an ex-patriot, I always feel quite a bit more comfortable sometimes in Canada. For a variety of reasons. I just think it's a politer place. Kind of. You don't have quite the population to deal with but you don't immediately get into skirmishes with everybody. If you had any passport, any terrorist would let the Canadians off the plane.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.

The world is your oyster when you are successful. That was when I was getting scripts. I was planning for this. I like this business. Parts of it I love, and I didn't want it to just end. The further you get away from your success, the less your phone rings. The next thing you know, it's 20 years later and you're in a mall going, "Remember when Al and I used to do something like this...