Tim Dorsey Quotations

Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must

Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can't be right. So I've prepared a little experiment.

These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry or this could affect our snack situation.

There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops.

But instead they tell you they'll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I'll pay my next bill between July and November, but they don't laugh.

The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks...Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding. Five have died violently, three are back in prison, two have gone insane from untreated venereal disease, and one writes book reviews.

Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.